A more Authentic Me

I haven’t updated in a minute.

More specifically, I haven’t updated in a minute. Me. Myself. The human that is called “Chris.”

I have found myself in a weird place in the past few weeks. I have been using AI for so many things over the past year because of the initial draw it offers in creating something with little friction. This has been a double edged sword because I find a sense of accomplishment in simply getting things out, while.e simultaneously lacking the fulfillment of my creative outlet being satiated.

It’s words that get published, not my words, just words. Words that, in comparison to thousands of other words, feel hollow and trite as I read them back to myself. I remember feeling the need to write, but I don’t remember the feelings of when I wrote, because there was no tangible emotion that I was trying to pull out from my soul.

This sounds stupid.

This sounds like a disconnected rant.

This sounds correct.

This sounds more like how I feel, and not how I want to convey my feelings to a reader.

I had a bit of an internal realization a few weeks ago, so here’s a story about where my headspace is at.

I believe, wholeheartedly, in the restorative and spiritual practice of phychadelic medicine. The most “woo woo” version of me believes that there is a mystery that is connective tissue to the entire universe. Some people call it God, some people call it energy, maybe they call it the universe or science. Personally, I call it The Mystery.

Regardless of what you call it, I believe there are natural substances on the planet that allow the mystery to speak more directly to you. Freud believed in the Ego, the Super Ego, and the Id. I believe that we live in our ego space for so much of our existence, that we fail to recognize then the mystery puts things into perspective by utilizing our id. having said that, if you look at plant based medicines as a volume knob for the id, you can get seemingly direct messages by giving the id an opportunity to speak louder than your ego.

Having said that, I’m not a big advocate of recreational use of these substances. I truly do believe that we’re meant to be in a space of sober minds in our existence, and when we get stuck in the cycles of life, these can be very curative for hearing messages we may not be willing to listen to voluntarily. After years of talking to people who use these substances on a semi-regular basis, I have categorized two main user groups that have similar traits in how they describe their experiences.

First off, there is the recreational user group. They are experiential users who describe wanting to see pretty colors and having a “good trip”. They take a relatively cavalier approach towards the use of them, and typically stick to lighter doses so they can stay in control.

The second group, are what I call the seekers. They are seeking something internally, whether it be introspection on self, a cure from trauma, or a new approach towards thinking. This group more oftentimes recognize that the best way out, is through. They are not afraid of larger doses because there will be something to learn from the experience.

I typically consider myself to be a part of the seeker group, and having pursued this less than half a dozen times in my life, I can say that some of the most profound lessons I have ever learned were on a hero’s journey. I don’t actually believe in the concept of “good trip vs. bad trip” because I believe that a lot of the times, we are haunted by demons that we repress deep into our subconscious, and the only way we will defeat them is to face them head on. If plant based medicine is a volume knob to your subconscious states, I typically want the music to be loud enough where I can hear it with clarity.

Has this put me into a state that has made me uncomfortable? Yes.

Has this put me into a situation where I faced things that were horrifying? Yes.

Has this forced me to face things I wanted to avoid. Yes.

Has this put me into a head space that I thought I wouldn’t be able to come back from? Yes.

Did I learn something valuable each time that I could take into the rest of my life? Yes.

That last part is what I focus on. It’s not a good trip, and it’s not a bad trip. It’s a lesson, and sometimes learning a lesson can be hard, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. This is why the concept of set and setting is so valuable in the approach towards the lessons that you want to address with the mystery.

Having said all of that, I have been in the sads for a few months. It had been years since I had last pursued doing something of this nature, and I felt like it was time for me to hear what the mystery had to say. I had planned an afternoon where I could simply relax and be in a place where I could take in whatever needed to happen. I put my mindset into the following questions; “Why can I not relax?” “Why am I unable to maintain positivity?” “Why do I feel so distracted all of the time?” I put my headphones on, and I began to come up. An immediate sense of discomfort started when my playlist decided to throw on a Swedish thrash metal song about dying in the Middle East, so I quickly changed my playlist to pop music to keep my setting in a positive place. The funny thing, in retrospect, is I actually believe that song coming on was part of the overall lesson that I was going to learn that day, but I wouldn’t realize it until I processed what happened over the next few days.

The pop station allowed me to relax for a while, and then a song came on that I had never heard before. Catie Turner - Hyperfixations. The song was so relatable, and I started recognizing how every thing in my life that I had a tiny idea about, needed to be brought to the fullest realization of what it had potential as. I had so many projects going on, and none of them were making me happy in the way that I hoped they would. I was lying down in my backyard, starting up at the sky when the next song started. Madeline - d e a d. Another song I had never heard, but another one that resonated so deeply inside me as the chorus began and started talking about how one day you are going to die. The funny part about it is when the metal song came on, I didn’t want to focus on my mortality, but when this song came on, I realized the mystery wanted to have a conversation with my about my mortality. I started looking at all of my hyperfixations and came to a realization.

I’m doing all of these things to look like I’m someone who is successful. I’m Chris the barber, Chris the barbershop owner, Chris the photographer, Chris the podcaster, Chris the guy with a non-profit, Chris the creative consultant. I’m Chris this and Chris that, but all of those titles are pulling me away from my wife, my dog, my friends, and the tangible things that I love that truly make me happy. I thought to myself, “One day, I’m going to die, and Hailie is going to be at my funeral giving my eulogy, and all she’ll be able to say is ‘Here’s my husband Chris, he had so many titles.’” Who told me I needed to have these titles? Nobody, I thought that I needed them. What are these titles giving me? Nothing, a headache and time away from the things that I love.

As I was at the height of my introspection, I realized how much the mystery wanted to talk to me about death, and remind me that I’m not immortal. I started realizing what was important and what could be stripped away. As I was beginning to peak, I walked back inside and saw that I had missed a text message from a journalist friend of mine.

“Charlie Kirk just got shot. Have you seen this?”

Now, as a personal bit of insight, I would highly suggest NEVER looking up that video if you’ve never been exposed to it. It’s a horrible thing that happened, and the amount of people that shared every possible angle is an unreal state that our collected culture is presently at. Having said that, when I saw that video, I was at the top of my roller coaster ride, and my mind was hyper focused on my own mortality because of the conversation I had just had internally.

My suspicion had been confirmed. The mystery warned me in the beginning of my playlist that I was going to have a lesson about my limited time in a conscious state on this planet. I didn’t want to hear it, then I was willing to talk about it, then I was shown the reality of it.

Simply put, it was a lot to process in a single afternoon.

Moving forward, I’ve realized how thin I have been stretching myself through a lot of the projects I have been taking on. I’m peeling back my photography as a business so I can enjoy the creative process of simply taking pictures and capturing the moments I’m a part of. I’ve stripped away the creative consultancy, because I would rather just have natural conversations with people in my life, and build up the people that are in my direct influence so I can see the joy as they pursue things with knowledge that I can give freely. I decided that the non-profit art gallery is going to be DOA, which is a bittersweet victory for myself. I’ve never been the person to now try something long enough to see it through to fruition, but this is the first time in my life when I realized that this pursuit that I started would steal time from my wife, and I value her more than a silly title. That’s a victory for me, even though it came through sacrificing something I thought that I wanted.

I’m pairing a lot of projects down and trying to simplify, because I want to be able to enjoy things the way that I once did. And that’s why I wrote this entire post without the use of AI. These are my words, my emotions, flaws and all, the way that I felt them and the way that I wanted them to be conveyed. Not the way a machine is telling me to present them in a way that can be easily digested.

I’m sure I will have new projects that come up in the future, and I’m not burning any of the bridges that my skillsets have built, but for now, I want to enjoy life by finding more of myself in it.

-Chris